Free to Be Me

We have officially entered normalcy.

The kids are back in school, Rocky is mostly healed up and back working up a storm, and Owen and I have found a rhythm that works, but one that leaves us with enough wiggle room for whatever the day brings. There is nothing I have loved more than the freedom to say "no" to the dishes, and "yes" to an impromptu playdate.

Last year in January I wrote about my word for the year: Open.

I can say without hesitation that last year was the most easy-going and open as I have ever been. I found that having a baby while simultaneously starting an adoption process while your husband starts his own business will kind of force you to go with the flow. And I liked being more flexible. More in-the-moment. More ready and at peace for whatever happened.

A permanent change has absolutely occurred within me because of last year.

This year, I debated about whether or not I would choose a word. After all, does it really matter? Did my word last year actually motivate me to act in a way I might not have otherwise?

I think it did.

I remember consciously telling myself to be open when I felt my instinct to close in, protect, preserve.

I am not a risk-taker by any stretch of the imagination. I like routine, dependability, schedules, monotony, even. Looking back now after having gone through so much therapy with and for my kids, I realized that I found comfort in routine and security in the monotonous because my world as a child felt so out-of-control that I created my own stability. Since then, living that way has always made me feel safe. It took moving to Chicago for God to began to chip away at that way of thinking. I found that I didn't want to feel protective of my ways or inflexible about life. I came to hate that I would get so hung up on things that I let bother me so much. I was sad that spontaneity felt threatening.

And so little by little, I let go. I pushed myself past the point of comfort. I started hushing the voice that would tell me to turn in, keep it inside, don't be vulnerable, don't risk. And in 2015, I really feel that this voice was permanently silenced. I truly did allow myself to be open.

And so, I've given some thought to what this year's word should be. What is my next step? What is still burdening me that I need to throw off? What needs to change? What should my attitude and perspective be this year?

And all I hear is free.

Free.

That is the word I have chosen.

Free to be me.

Free to enjoy myself.

Free to indulge in things that nourish me.

Free to say yes and no, without guilt.

Free to spend my time the way I want to.

Free to love the people in my life the way they need to be loved.

Free to serve God in the way He's gifted me and asked of me.

Of course, free is easier said than done.

Free is a hard word for me because I live under a shroud of self-imposed guilt, as I image most moms do. Everyday my thoughts are a jumbled heap of questions like:

Did I spend enough time playing with my kids? 

Did I love my husband well?

Did I do something for myself, for my health and well-being?

Did I acknowledge God, like at all?

Did I love my neighbor?

Did I encourage and pray for a friend?

The guilt comes from the fact that the answer to all of these questions is usually a resounding NO. I pretty much fail at all of these things. For every one instance I get right, there's at least two that I get wrong. The weight of the guilt I feel about this is overwhelming. Suffocating. Unbearable. Most days I just try to dust myself off and try again, but without the grace I never afford myself, because for me to feel that grace, I need to be free to receive it.

Quite the predicament I find myself in.

So in 2016, I'm going to try to free myself from my own demands and just let myself be. Like chill out. Relax. I'm going to try to go to bed every night with no run-throughs, no questions, no guilt, no regrets. I'm going to try to be free, so that God can use me to share the grace that I so desperately need myself.

Free sounds nice, doesn't it?

Couldn't we all do with a little more of free?