Unwritten

It's 2015.

What a weird number.

Even living in it, it seems like some sci-fi futuristic year where a machine should make my meals and a robot maid should clean my house.

And yet, life is the same as usual.

Looking back over 2014 (because isn't that what you're supposed to do at the beginning of a new year?), I feel exhausted!

Rest was not a big theme in our lives last year. We bought a house and started renovating it, began hosting more get-togethers, dinners and out-of-town guests, became landlords to two sets of tenant-friends, grew a baby, saw both kids enter school full-time, refinanced said house, and nursed about 1,000 (it seems) colds, fevers and allergy attacks.

And that's not even counting all the foster care-related stuff.

2014 was full blessing, but also full of busy.

This busyness culminated in our entire household getting sick the week of Christmas; colds that Rocky and I are still trying to kick. It was an interesting way to cap off the year...

Meanwhile, my floors need to be cleaned, the stairs haven't been vacuumed or swept in months (what's the point when there's constant drywall dust from ongoing construction?), my refrigerator and pantry are disgusting, our bathrooms are consistently covered with filth from dirty little hands and toothpaste explosions, and every room in the house has doubled as storage since we are in the full-blown stages of nesting renovations.

Today a friend asked me, "How are you keeping your sanity?"

Honestly, I'm just too tired and maybe even too lazy to lose my sanity.

The thing is, I have an awesome husband who is both my friend and my partner. I don't need to stress or nag about the things he's working on because I know he's working on them. And bonus, he's working on them for me. I don't need to get anxious about everything coming together on time or about the house not being as clean as it was pre-kids because - NEWSFLASH - it's never going to be that way again.

Sure, I can be annoyed by the fact that sweeping has become obsolete because my formerly-fabulous banana leaf dining room chairs have become so destroyed by my kids that they consistently shed fibers like they've been attacked by a wild animal. And I can get frustrated by the (seeming) fact that no one picks up after themselves in common areas, leaving me to perform a room sweep before I go to bed every night. And yes, I can fume about the fact that my kids have broken more clothes hangers and non-toy items playing with them as if they were toys that I can even count...but what's the point?

Having kids has taught me a lot about the things I value.

I wish I could say with some wisdom and humility that they've opened my eyes and made me a more patient, loving, live-in-the-moment person, but sadly, that's not where I'm going.

I still really want the clean house, and functional furniture, and not to step in toothpaste when I get up to pee in the middle of the night.

I want to sleep in (if the baby will let me), and drink coffee in bed on the weekends and go on a spontaneous date with my husband without having to entertain, or make plans for someone else to entertain, my children.

I'm selfish. I admit it.

Having kids just makes selfishness more obvious.

I don't want to be selfish, mind you.

But it's a reality.

And I know I'm in for a rude awakening once baby boy arrives and I literally have to move myself from the back burner to that nasty, greasy crevice between the back of the oven and the kitchen wall. I know that I have seen nothing yet when it comes to dying to self, humility, exhaustion, desperation.

Truthfully, I'm kind of scerred.

You should pray for me, because I know that pretty soon I will be stepping in worse things than toothpaste.

Still, new years hold so much promise, don't they?

The blank slate, the unwritten pages, the anything-is-possible air.

Who knew that in 2014 we would conceive our miracle baby?

Who knew that in 2014 we would see the tide shifting for our boys towards permanency with our family?

Who knew that in 2014 we would witness miracles in our families? Healings, reconciliations, redemption stories?

2015 will hold all of those things, too, and maybe more.

Maybe Rocky will get a new job that he loves.

Maybe we will adopt our boys.

Maybe one of our siblings will get engaged or married.

Maybe someone in our family will come to Christ.

Maybe there will be an unexpected death, or loss, or tragedy that shakes our faith to the core.

Maybe 2015 will be challenging and not nearly as positive as 2014.

But isn't that life? We just don't know what's coming next.

Which is why, all this to say, that I need to learn how to better live in the moment. To be open to anything.

Every year, bloggers in the blogosphere (that's a thing) choose a word (kind of like a resolution) that they hope will embody the year. I never participate (1) Because I'm not a "blogger," and (2) Aforementioned laziness.

This year, though, with so much changing in our lives, I feel compelled to choose a word. To have a word, like a mantra, to fall back on when I start to get anxious, or nervous, or stressed.

The word I've chosen is OPEN.

I want to be open this year. Open to new friendships, to a different lifestyle, to my family's ever-changing needs, to this city's people, to the God I serve.

I want to live freely and peacefully in a state of openness that will lead to a healthier me, for both myself and my family.

I want to believe that His yoke is easy, and His burden light, and that I don't have to carry around all this should've, would've, could've that most moms live with everyday.

I want to enjoy the people God has placed in my life without conditions and expectations.

I want to be content in every circumstance.

I'm going to start this year being open to everything and up for anything.*

Join me?

*Except skydiving and sushi, Rocky Stone.