It's 2016.
I feel like I am just now getting my bearings back from last year.
2015 was a doozy.
I don't want to go as far as to say, "good riddance," but I am grateful that 2015 is behind us. It was a hard year. A great year, but a hard year. The hardest of my life. Even though there was so much to be thankful for, I feel like for every wonderful thing that happened, something terrible happened, too.
Owen was born (making it the best year ever), but my body was banged up and it took me 3 months to heal as opposed to 6 weeks. I'm still not completely back to normal.
The boys became eligible for adoption, and we've since started the process, but that means their parents' rights were terminated. Forever. They will never again live with blood family. And this has created chaos in our home as our children struggle to process this reality.
We flew to California as a family of 5 and got to see nearly every member of our families. The people we love the most got to meet all three of our boys. But we left feeling homesick, confused, and wondering where exactly God wants us to be.
My mom moved to Chicago and lives with us now. It's amazing. She's a huge help and we laugh all day. A lot. But that means that her marriage has truly ended, and so while we're happy she's here, it's for a heartbreaking reason; one I wish wasn't so.
2015 was one big paradox.
And so, I am thankful the year is over. While giving birth to Owen and watching him grow has been the most amazing experience of my life, I can't hold onto that forever, suspended in time. And the rest of 2015 (outside of our vacation to California with all of our family in August) was just plain tough, on us and a lot of people we love. Divorce, cancer, infidelity, job loss, financial woes...It seems like across the board, it was an incredibly challenging year for so many.
I am looking forward to this year. Blank slates, new possibilities, every opportunity waiting to be discovered.
I'm excited to reconnect with my husband now that Owen is becoming more independent and I don't feel the overwhelming need (and desire) to be with him at all times.
I'm excited to see how my big boys mature, learn, and grow emotionally, academically and physically (we're working on spiritually, too, but they need to feel safe and secure before they can even fathom all this craziness that we believe and devote our lives to).
I'm excited to see who Owen turns into as he nears toddlerhood; what his voice will be like, the things he'll say, the foods he'll love and hate. He will turn one and I am already brainstorming birthday party ideas. For a one-year old. (I never thought I would be THAT mom, but gosh, this kid...)
I'm excited to reconnect with my girlfriends after being sucked into the whirlwind that is babyhood and adoption processes. I miss just being Nicole. Not wife, not mom, not daughter. Just me. With my friends. And wine.
I'm excited to get back to myself. Spend time taking care of myself. Eating better. Working out. Feeling good and looking good.
I'm excited for summer! The best season in Chicago!!! I can't wait for barbecues, and concerts in the park, and al fresco dining and going to the beach. Crossing my fingers I can maybe get a tan on this pasty Irish skin.
I'm excited for everything the future holds.
I know things are almost never easy. I've learned (quickly!) that the more people you love, the more complicated things get. I'm sure my positivity might wane in the coming months when things get hard, again (because that's life sometimes).
But right now, today, in this moment, I am excited.
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