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Exhaustion.

That is the word of the day/week/month/year.

Life is good. Very good. But also exhausting.

We haven't worked on the house, really worked on the house, in a little over a month. The break has been amazing but the long list of what still needs to get done is overwhelming. It feels like a heavy blanket of burden.

But that's ridiculous.

The house is livable. Fine, really.

I haven't mustered the energy or will to unpack the millions of frames and get some stuff on the walls after, oh, I don't know, 4 months already.

The kitchen is an eyesore that I'm just going to have to live with for another year or so. God bless Rocky...He wants to fix the kitchen for me now, but it's just too much. Too much money. Too much effort. Too much dust. I can't deal with that right now. I finally feel like we're breathing semi-clean air.

Summer, what we've had of it, is rapidly coming to a close. The boys start school in a month and everything, and nothing, will change. The day's routine will still be the same, but instead of riding bikes and playing football outside, we'll be doing homework and practicing math. None of us are looking forward to it.

Work is work. The grind is the same. I am desperate for a break, but what does that even look like? Friends suggest a date night, or a small vacation, maybe just the weekend. That's not the kind of break I need. I don't need a recharge. I don't need a spark. I need a rest. Like my-soul-is-weary-and-my-bones-are-aching rest. Where does one get that when they're a full-time working, married, mom to littles? It seems so far away. Something unattainable. Like a mirage in the desert.

What will rest be then?

I don't know the answer. All I know is that I want to crawl into my pajamas and sleep. For like a month.

There really is no such thing as rest when you're a parent; Not when your kids are little, and not when they're older. I've learned that from watching mamas still struggle with worry, and fear, and doubt about their grown children's problems. It never truly ends. And it shouldn't.

But rest.

Rest would be nice.

Wind of Change

Summer always brings about the wanderlust in me. I wish I had the kind of life where I could pick up and go any time the wind blew, beckoning me to another place, much like Vianne in Chocolat. Sometimes, it does feel like I have a gypsy spirit. Restless. Bored. Eager to experience something new.

This summer has not brought about the much-needed relief from winter we expected. Very few of the summer days have been over 80 degrees and sans rain. So much rain! The weatherman announced today another kind of polar vortex blowing in next week and bringing in 60-degree temperatures. In the middle of July.

Seriously.

The boys haven't noticed. They're still running around in the backyard, begging to go to the park. They are enjoying their summer at the Y, learning science and going on field trips and taking swim lessons. I'm grateful their summer will be full of fun, learning and new friendships. Summertime is so much better when you're a kid (or retired!)

Rocky and I have taken a much-needed hiatus from home improvements the last few weeks, save for a quick fix or upgrade here or there. We need to get back to it while the weather's good; at least on the outdoor items. We can save a lot of the indoor stuff for when we're shut-ins this winter.

A few big things are on the horizon for our family in the coming months. We can't share about them yet, but they're there. Waiting to be worked out; preparing to be told. I cannot wait until I no longer have to hide behind vague words and stories. When I can name names and share details. So much of such a great story cannot be told at this time because it's protected, and fragile. Our family feels like a fortress without walls- strong but open. Secure, but vulnerable at the same time.

Back to the wind.

I have one of the only offices in my department that has an operational window. Others might have great views, but I can open my windows! There have been a few occasions where gusts of wind have blown papers off of my desk, and it felt like life rushing all around me. A life I'm missing. I comb the web looking for travel deals. Check flight schedules and prices. Daydream about destinations in which I have never been, but want to go. I check our calendar relentlessly for openings - anywhere! - where Rocky and I might get away. I do this all the time.

But the calendar keeps filling up and the summer is slipping away and there's no money for that anyway, not with the list of house projects we've amassed. And our boys are growing like weeds before our eyes, and wearing out shoes faster than we can buy news ones and asking to go to the park and wanting Daddy to play football.

My gypsy spirit wants to book that vacation, wants to getaway.

But the pull on my mommy spirit, the voice from my Father, whispers, "Stay. Be here. It's going so fast."

And so, I'll delay getting our passports. Stop looking at the travel sights. Store up our suitcases. Ignore the wind rushing through my office.

I'll be here.

I'll be present.

I'll stop looking to a new destination.

I'll gather my roots and my babies and go to the park. I'll wrap them up in hugs and kisses, push them on swings, watch them conquer the monkey bars and make new friends. Like Vianne, I will stay where I've landed. And when the wind blows, I will simply enjoy the breeze and get back to work.

God Bless the USA

May I rant for a minute?

I know it's been like a month since the last post, and you probably aren't in the mood to hear me rant, but I have some hormonal anger coursing through my veins, so let me just get it out of the way.

I am sooooooo tired of "Christians" and their politics. Like you-need-to-be-schooled and do-you-even-know-Jesus frustrated.

Racism

Bigotry.

Greed.

Selfishness.

The hot topic du jour is all these immigrant kids being bussed in from south of the border for safety and a chance at survival. "Christians" (mostly white, let's face facts) are picketing, calling for stronger boarder patrol, blocking the buses, bad-mouthing Obama, toting their guns to protect their land and safety. As if these kids are a threat to either of those things.

There isn't much that I can hold over anyone, and please understand that's not what I'm trying to do,

BUT UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO FOSTER, ADOPT, SUPPORT, MENTOR, AND PROVIDE FOR THESE KIDS, ALL KIDS WITHOUT A SAFE HOME, THEN SHUT UP.

Take your $100 bills, shove them in your mouth and sit in your $500,000 home with your Bibles and 2.3 kids and dog and SHUT UP.

Stop with the rhetoric.

Stop with the political garbage.

Stop with the "This land is OUR land" propaganda.

We cannot afford to live in a world with borders, bound by politics, money and fear.

We are CALLED to spread the Good News. To be representatives of Christ's promise to rescue, to heal, to save.

Christians - Please choose the god you worship. Is it the good ol' USA, or Jesus?