Money (That's What I Want)

Enough.

Why do things never feel like enough?

I struggle so much with wanting more. More time. More money. More energy. More faith. I am in a constant tug-o-war with my mind, heart and soul about what is important, what isn't, and what that means. Sometimes it feels like I am two people trapped in one body, forced to function as a team. Much like Paul, my flesh is weak and I am almost always in some kind of battle with it. Gluttony. Greed. Pride. Envy. Wrath. Sloth. Lust. Yes, the seven deadly sins. I suffer from all of these, and more.

I want to eat and drink what I want (but never gain weight).

I want to amass and hoard a fortune (and never feel guilty about not sharing).

I want to be right (and I want others to feel bad for being wrong).

I want what my neighbor has (and I think I deserve it more than they do).

I want people to be punished for their wrongs (but I want to receive grace and forgiveness for mine).

I want to quit my job and stay at home (but I still want to collect a paycheck).

I want to conquer (and build my own kingdom, not someone else’s).

If only acting on these sins would result in judgment, I could escape quite a bit. I’m a rule follower by nature. The reality, however, is that the amount of time spent wrestling with these things makes me just as guilty.

At heart, I am lazy. I am tired. If I didn't have such a guilty conscience (read: conviction), I could easily live those temptations out. I want a life of no consequences (for myself). I want a carefree life, free of sacrifice and suffering and hardship. I want the exact opposite of what Jesus had. I want to be the rich ruler in Mark 10 who walks away.

If only….

Rocky always tells me that I should be Catholic for the amount of guilt-motivation I need to pull off this life of faith. The constant internal dialogue is enough to deafen me some days.

I really want to buy that throw pillow! No, how could you spend $24 on that? How could you justify spending that kind of money and a PILLOW knowing what you know about the world? You’re right, I won’t buy it. But it’s so pretty!

<guilty sadness>

I really wish I made more money. I used to make so much more money. I want to start looking for a better job. But this job is so perfect for your lifestyle! For your family! More money isn't everything. Just look at how great your bosses are and how you get to help people for a living. Yeah, but I can’t afford to buy cute shoes or a gratuitous throw pillow. I wish I didn't want that throw pillow! 

<guilty resignation>

And so it goes. 

I am notorious for not buying much for myself. 90% of my shoes (minus a pair gifted to me) are at least 3 years old. The others were bought on clearance. The last piece of clothing I bought was a dress on clearance at Target, and it’s been too cold to even wear yet. Everything I've recently purchased has been for the house. When we get the occasion to travel (which isn't often anymore), we choose a cheap(er) hotel room. We try to eat at home and bring our lunches to work most days.

I am half proud, and half resentful. 

The truth is that I wish I didn't have to care about money. I wish I had an endless supply. I wish it wasn't an issue. I wish I could make a luxury (for me) purchase without second-guessing and getting buyer’s remorse and eventually returning it (ask Rocky). 

The love of money. It’s a thing for me. 

It’s a sin. 

I know it. 

Even though I am not a big earner or big spender, I am consumed with wishing I had more. 

But God has us right in that sweet spot; Giving us a little bit of cushion, but not enough to not have to depend on him. 

Do not misunderstand; We are extremely blessed people. Blessed beyond what we deserve, and I’m not just saying that because it’s the “Christian” thing to say. We have so much.

So why doesn't it feel like enough? 

Why don’t I always feel blessed? 

The only answer I have is sin. 

And I wish I could shake this thorn in my flesh. I wish I could be content in every circumstance without wanting more or wishing for something better. I wish I could go out tomorrow and buy the minivan we will need to purchase here in a few months. I wish everything didn't take so much work. 

I was better at the rat race than I am a lot of times at this faith journey. 

Making your life about Jesus is hard. Going without to be like your Savior is hard. Denying your flesh is hard.  
I know the truth. I know it’s worth it. I know my reward is in Heaven. I know it is much better to be a “good and faithful servant” than a rich ruler. I know that Jesus is good and worth following. 

I just wish the truth was louder than the temptation some days. 

Like Paul, I continue to pray for this thorn in my flesh. 

Like him, I may not be delivered of it in this life. 

And that is precisely why I need Jesus.