It was also the day that Rocky and I finally got to testify in our boys' termination case.
The night before was wrought with emotions. For me, I was overcome with anxiety and fear, and confused by an overwhelming resentment and irritation I felt towards Rocky (for absolutely no reason at all). After confessing this to my best friend, she encouraged me to talk to Rocky. I told him how I was feeling, and broke down in tears as he prayed over me, us, our home and the looming trial.
It's a beautiful thing when your spouse loves you in your most vulnerable moments; when they're able to recognize spiritual attack for what it is.
The moment he finished praying a weight was lifted and I felt better. I was ready for court. Ready to get it over with after waiting 6 long months for our turn to testify.
When we arrived at court we were briefed by the State's attorney and GAL (the kids' attorney). They ran through the questions we would be asked, and tried to prepare us for questions the parents' attorneys might ask. That was my biggest worry, really. What would mom's attorney ask me? How would she attack me, or try to poke holes in our case for adoption?
The attorney let me know that he would be calling me first to testify. Rocky would have to wait outside. I would have no friendly face, no support system. I would be sworn in, seated in the box next to the judge, and in front of my boys' parents I would be asked about our life together.
First, the State's attorney.
What do the boys call you?
Have they met your extended family? What do they call your family members?
Do they have friends? Who? Where?
How are they doing in school?
Tell me about their special needs.
Are they meeting with a therapist? Are you? How is that going?
Have the boys been given a mental health diagnosis? How does that manifest itself?
Do you go on vacation together?
Who do the boys say they want to live with?
Do you want to adopt the boys? Why?
Then the mom's attorney.
You've stated the boys call you "mom." Do you also acknowledge that she [pointing] is their mom?
You've stated that you organize extra visits with their mother. How often does that happen? Is it true that your husband does most of the arranging, transporting and supervising of these visits?
Have you talked to the boys about how they might face discrimination when they get older? How did you do that? How do you plan on addressing this in the future?
Is it true that [the older child] (20 months ago) said inappropriate, sexually explicit things at school? Is it true that he also said his foster dad had done something to him?
You've stated you take the kids to church every Sunday. Did you ever talk to their mom about her family's religious beliefs?
[The youngest] acted out violently towards babies when his last biologic sibling was born. Has he reacted similarly since you've had your baby?
She questioned me aggressively, trying to defeat me, pound me down to remind me that I'm not their mom. I pushed back. I told the ugly truth. I corrected her "facts."
And then I was dismissed, and it was Rocky's turn.
He was questioned for half the amount of time.
And he was relieved and glad it was over.
And I was disappointed.
They didn't ask me the most important questions. Questions like,
What is their favorite thing to do?
What makes them laugh?
What do they say they want to be when they grow up?
How do you comfort them when they're sad and miss their family?
When they have a victory, how do you celebrate with them?
When they have a setback, how do they overcome it?
What does your day-to-day life look like?
What's your greatest desire for their future?
You see, I wanted them to see my kids for who they are, not what they are. A statistic. Two kids out of eight who have been removed. Little black boys living with a white family, who just had a biological child of their own.
They didn't see them as individuals. As little boys who have overcome tremendous adversity, and who will have to continue to do so for the rest of their lives. They didn't see a 6 and 7 year old who love playing all kinds of sports, and watching movies and playing Legos and drawing. They didn't see sweet future men who love to help mom clean, and cook, and fold laundry. They didn't see two capable, kind, big brothers, who cater to their baby brother when he cries and who are already trying to teach him how to play basketball.
They didn't see them.
They didn't see us.
Court is there to decide where the boys will be a family.
But we already are one.
Every day for the last 638 days we have very much been a family and I have very much been their mom.
We have met every need, comforted every worry, encouraged every doubt, bandaged every wound, cured every belly ache, attended every school meeting, been available for every therapy session and family visitation, advocated every right, championed every success, grieved every failure...
We are a family.
We don't need a court to tell us that.
What we do need is for them to decide to allow us to remain a family.
And for that, all I can do is wait. And pray. And ask the God of the universe to go before us and make a way for these boys, whom He has loved far longer than I have.
I have to believe He will make a way...
"Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."
(Psalm 23:4)
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