Blue Christmas

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't set your kid on the right path if he's bound and determined to rebel.

This has been our week.

Every now and then, we notice a "relapse" of sorts in our kids' behaviors. Reverting to old coping mechanisms, regressing into younger versions of themselves, avoiding eye contact, blatantly disobeying and then staring at you with dead shark eyes...Yeah, that happens.

It's been a frustrating week (well, few weeks) of behavior in our household. Some of it has been pretty understated; a timeout here and there. But a lot of it has been straight up annoying, especially when discipline doesn't help cure the behavior.

I know there's something at the root of it. Either he knows what it is and can't (or won't) verbalize it to us, or he's upset and angry and frustrated and has no idea why.

The hard part in being parents to our sons is that we have no idea how to help them. No idea what's going on in their heads. No idea why they're behaving the way they are all of a sudden when it's been butterflies and rainbows for weeks.

Why is our little one all of a sudden drawing on surfaces that should never see marker?

Why is he breaking things and making holes in his bedroom wall?

Why is our oldest flipping over a table at school "just because?"

Why is he putting his hands on his brother in an aggressive way and then staring at us with a blank look in his eyes when we try to talk to him?

Why are they both putting their fingers and other objects in their mouths like infants?

Why are we putting them to bed every night only to have to go back upstairs to their room an hour later because they're out of bed, playing and making a mess?

These are the things that we're dealing with right now.

It's not always.

It's not even often (anymore).

But right now, this is where we're at, and it's damn frustrating.

And disappointing.

And I hate feeling disappointed in my children.

Somehow, being disappointment feels so much worse than being angry.

But then I don't even know if I have the right to feel disappointed. Are my children so hurting, so damaged that I shouldn't expect them to obey, respect adults, tell the truth...? It's hard to say.

On one hand, I think, "They going through so much. Having to process and accept so many things that are unfair and confusing, things they shouldn't have to deal with."

On the other hand, I think, "Yes, that's all true, but we've also been raising them for 14 months, and they know it's not ok to disrespect adults and lie and hit and steal and destroy."

And then I think...isn't some of this normal behavior for "normal" kids?

I don't even know anymore.

I'm tired, and angry, and disappointed, and frustrated, and defeated.

It's my favorite time of year, and this year, I'm just not feeling it. Not the joy, not the hope, not the beauty. I'm trying, God knows. I've got twinkle lights, and candles burning and stockings hung, but the mood in this house emanating from these kids...it's depressing, and sad, and hurt and burdened. It's all overwhelming. Consuming.

I'm praying for patience. For grace and compassion and all the things Jesus came to teach us. I'm praying for a softened heart and open eyes and a humble spirit.

I desperately need help, need Jesus, to walk through this season (and the ones coming up) with these kids.

I know that even when this season of misbehavior wanes, there will always be another in the future, because their lives will never be what they should. They will always be lacking something, or someone they love. There will always be an emptiness, a longing, and maybe even a bitterness for the way things will turn out. My children will always have these burdens, forced upon them, to bear.

And me and Rocky, well, we bear them, too.