In Christ Alone

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God.

Bend down and listen as I pray.

Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways.

By your mighty power you rescue..." (Psalm 17:6-7)

Where do I begin?

I guess at the beginning.

We are 4 short weeks away from our one year anniversary with the boys. For us, this is a joyous occasion, but despite their deep love for us, we know this is not cause for celebration. For in our gain, they have lost.

Nearly a year ago we became instant parents to two precious, scared, too-smart for their ages, little boys. Our hearts were stolen.

Nearly a year ago that phone call meant a commitment of one week, maybe two, while their paternal aunt got her affairs in order so that she could foster the children until they could return home. A few days later it was determined that their placement with us would be indefinite; it was all too much for their well-meaning aunt.

Nearly a year ago we were overwhelmed with doctor's visits, and school enrollment, and attorneys and caseworkers and family visits. Everything was a whirlwind and we were swept up in an endless tornado of hope, frustration, tears, joy and exhaustion. We are still there today.

Nearly a year ago we were learning colors, and numbers and the alphabet; something children their age should have been taught long before they crossed our threshold. We were reading bedtime stories and drinking hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets on the couch while we watched Christmas movies. We still do that.

Nearly a year ago the goal for our boys was to return home. Reunification is the official term. And we were supportive, and prayerful and devoted to loving the kids as long as we had them, while also loving their mom with our actions and words and prayers. It made sense. This is what we signed up for.

Nearly six months ago the goal changed.

Caseworkers and attorneys and therapists made a recommendation to the case judge that the boys' parents' rights should be terminated. That not enough progress had been made. That the kids were thriving and had "attached" to their foster parents.

We were heartbroken when the goal changed. We grieved. I cried.

And then, I dreamed.

I dreamed that the boys would be ours, and that we would maintain contact and visitation with their mother and siblings.

I dreamed that the boys would be given a chance at a life that would not have existed for them before.

I dreamed that we would be a family and somehow, we would make this all work out.

Nearly 2 hours ago the case judge moved forward on the recommendation to terminate parental rights.

And we were relieved.

Still heartbroken, yes, for our boys and their mom. But in the six months that have passed we have seen these boys blossom, shine, grow, invest. They are not the same kids they were nearly a year ago.

They are bright, and inquisitive, and brave, and strong.

They know they are loved and that they are safe and that they will not be abandoned.

They know they will eat, and have shelter, and go to school, and have clothes that fit.

They know that even though they are hers, they are ours, too.

The next four months will be hard. I know I will be overcome with fear and a predisposition to distrust God and His goodness. I know I will doubt that the judge will make the best decision. I know I will fall back on my skepticism and worry.

I will need your prayers to keep me strong.

I will need your words of encouragement and hope poured over me and my family.

I will need the salve of God's promises to heal my old wounds.

Please remind me.

And please keep our family in your prayers.