Building a Mystery

Radio silence. 

The blog as been quiet for quite some time. That, of course, was on purpose. I was busy keeping a big secret that the (Facebook) world now knows. 

In March 2015 we will become a family of 5!

I still can't hardly believe it. Yesterday I went to the doctor for my 12-week ultrasound and I just kept saying, "Wow. Oh my gosh. There's really a baby in there." It is completely surreal. Everything they say is true. Cliches are true. I am amazed and in awe and speechless (when I'm not saying, "That's amazing!")

Everyone has asked how the boys are taking it.

I'll admit, we were so worried about their reactions that we waited until 11 weeks to even tell them. Luckily they're young enough to not have noticed mommy's midsection gain. On Saturday night, we sat down at the dinner table, The four of us. Our family (for now). And Rocky said, "Mommy and Daddy have something very exciting to tell you. It's a surprise. Do you want to hear what it is?"

In true form, our 6-year old looked suspicious and our 5-year old could barely contain his glee at the unknown surprise. (For the record, I'm sure he thought it was a food-related surprise. He loves food.)

I said, "Well, I wanted to tell you that you're going to be big brothers again because mommy has a baby in her belly!"

The little one smacks his hands down on the table and said, "What?!" much like Gary Coleman in Diff'rent Strokes. The eldest looks confused and asks, " How did it get in there?" To which I almost spit out my water and then laughed uncomfortably while looking at Rocky for an answer. When he had none, I simply said, "Well, mommy and daddy prayed for a baby for a long time, and God answered our prayers." It was the best I could do for a 6-year old.

Truthfully, we hadn't prayed for a baby in almost a year. 

I remember laying in bed before we got the boys, and Rocky would pray something like this, "God, please protect the children that you have for us that we have not met. Please keep them safe and warm and fed until they come home. And God, please let us have a baby. Please let Nicole become pregnant." See, we always knew we wanted to foster. We also always knew we wanted to adopt. But we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year, and when the doctors told us it would be very unlikely that we could conceive, we continued to pray.

But then we got the boys.

And our lives changed forever.

We were neck deep in parenting. Kissing boo-boos, helping with homework, intercepting fights, going to court hearings, opening our home to social workers and attorneys, going to doctors appointments and just plainly raising them up.

We stopped praying for a baby.

Not because we didn't want one (although, I do believe it's fair to say we didn't want one yet anymore), but more so that we just forgot.

Forgot to pray.

Forgot that it was our hearts' desire to have a baby.

Forgot that God doesn't care what medical tests say.

Forgot that all throughout time he has given babies to barren women and old men.

And still, when I finally remembered to pray, it was not for a baby. It was for a daughter.

I told Rocky (& God), I would like a daughter. 

I think about the relationship I have with my mom....Dear God, a relationship that has been through hell but has now been redeemed, and I think about all the moments we share. The laughs, the inside jokes, the stories, and encouragement, the support. And I know that I can have that with my boys. But I really hoped for a daughter some day. 

In fact, I circled that prayer in my journal. 

God, give me a daughter.

That was a hard prayer for me to write it. I couldn't see it come true.

I still can't, if I'm being honest.

We don't know what this baby is, but it will be loved and cherished for the miracle it is whether it's a boy or a girl. We know that this baby is the answer to a prayer. A prayer that began as an urgent request and was answered as a whisper.

For God knew, even after we forgot, that a baby was planted in our hearts.

We are humbled, and grateful and so overwhelmed that he has heard us.