Come Thou Fount

(Warning: Long, rambling post ahead)

When we were in the process of selling off possessions to move across the country I was in a bad place.

But not for the reason you'd think.

I wasn't overcome at having to leave the ones I loved.

I wasn't grieving the job I had worked at for 12 years, or the house I had purchased on my own as a single woman.

Those things bothered me, of course.

But they didn't shake me.

Stinging from an unfavorable appraisal that cost us $17,000 in an expected profit on the sale of our house, I became frustrated at God and resentful that we were taking such a radical step of faith and feeling like we were being punished. (If I could go back in time and punch myself, I would. Radical? No. Obedient? Ok, maybe.) Every financial misstep I felt Rocky made resulted in a fight, all of which I instigated. Every time someone got a "good deal" on the things we were unloading, I got a pit in my stomach and a little angry flame in my heart.

You see, I've posted before that I have issues with money. I tie it to security. I think it keeps me afloat. Safe.

I am guilty of praising God for the blessings in the harvest, and cursing Him in the draught.

Now let's get real- I have NEVER been in a draught. Ever.

Not once have I been hungry.

Not once have I been involuntarily unemployed.

Not once have I lacked shelter.

I have received more than a fair share of provision.

The ironic thing about my love of money is that I also love to share it.

It is a great joy to both Rocky and I to give, to bless. It's one of the qualities that attracted me to him the most in the beginning of our relationship. We were both cheerful givers.

But stress changes a person's gifts. It shifts their motives. It invites fear.

The stress of leaving behind a life well-lived to plant a church in a big city with people I didn't know after being married for only eight months broke my generous spirit.

I no longer wanted to share.

I was already giving so much!

How could He ask for more?

I confessed to a Rocky the other night during a devotional on forgiveness that the time I have been most angry at him was an incident related to money.

How silly is that?

How damaging and wicked.

He was surprised. To him, he could think of other things he's done or said that should have upset me more.

But no.

It was about money.

Let me be very clear right now.

Every blessing I have is from the Lord. And every financial blessing I have received in the last three years has come from God , but has been funneled through Rocky.

I have saving tendencies and Rocky has spending tendencies. At one time we were both on extreme opposite ends. Now we've edged in towards the middle as we work as a team to decide when to save and when to spend. When we got together, I had a savings account and no credit card debt; Rocky had the opposite.

And then God blessed Rocky abundantly with financial gifts for educational expenses, military benefits, etc. Rocky was able to pay off his debt, pay off my car a year early and replenish our savings account.

Before we moved, Rocky sold his beloved Barracuda so that we would have enough money in savings to take some time off work when we got to Chicago. When we both got jobs here we agreed to (some) self-sacrifice so that we could continue to put money away for long-term savings.

Then Rocky wanted to start looking for a house, and I fought him on it.

We just built up our savings account!

Why do you want to spend it all now?

Sigh.

What is my deal?

Rocky is no dummy. He knows that real estate is a better investment than our savings account. He also knows I'm afraid to not have cash money in the bank. He knows how much I fear not being able to take care of ourselves. He knows my pride.

And he is so lovingly patient with me.

Firm, but patient.

So we bought a house. And there went our savings account.

And then a funny thing happened.

We got a nice, fat check back at closing that equaled about half of our down payment.

Then we got a check double that amount for past-due GI bill benefits.

Then yesterday we got the surprise of a (financial) lifetime. 

We received a letter from the VA that Rocky's disability rating had been reviewed and increased exponentially. 

We will be receiving a very generous monthly benefit for the rest of Rocky's life.

Not only that, but they credited these new benefits to us dated back to May 2012. That's 25 months, if you're counting.

This morning we woke up to more money in our account than we've ever seen in our lives.

We immediately stopped and thanked the Lord.

We gave praise.

We gave thanks.

We looked at each other with tears in our eyes.

We were astounded by God's love for us.

Especially me, when I'm so petty and scared and greedy.

And all day praise has been on my lips.

Because I know this is the harvest.

And I know that at some point, the draught will come.

And I will be bitter again.

And so this is my prayer:

Ode to grace, how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

And let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

Take my heart, Lord.

Seal it.

Bind my wandering heart to thee.

Amen.