I loved back-to-school time when I was a kid. The new clothes, the fresh school supplies, and colorful backpacks and trapper keepers and folders. I had missed my friends all summer long because we didn't have instant communication allowed by cell phones and social media to keep in touch day in and day out. I eagerly anticipated finding out who my teacher would be and who would be in my class. And, let's be honest, I loved school. I was a "good kid" and school was easy for me. I enjoyed learning and words of affirmation from my teachers and parents kept my love tank full.
One of the hardest parts about parenting my boys is how different they are from me (which has nothing to do with biology, or lack thereof) and also how hard learning is for them (which has a lot to do with their circumstances, and perhaps biology.) While many parents around the country are thrilled to have their children back in school (hello, freedom!), for our household, the school year can be a stressful time.
One of our kids does pretty well with transition. He can be thrown into a new environment and make friends quickly. He has a sweet, helpful disposition, and despite his limitations, can function well in a brand new classroom with a new teacher. If it wasn't for some of his delays, you would never know he came from a neglectful environment. He can blend in and make do.
Our other kid, though, struggles with "new." He still refers often to his kindergarten teacher (who was horrible, by the way) and tells me he misses his first-grade teacher. He says he is excited to go back to school, but I also know he's worried about the new teacher, new classroom, new kids, new routine. You see, it takes this kid months, if not years to warm up to you and trust you. When he's in a new environment, and he's feeling insecure or out of control, his default behavior is to act out, disobey, defy, or shut down. Sometimes this kid gets sent to the principal's office. These behaviors happened a handful of times last year (which was a HUGE improvement over the year before), and so I'm always on pins and needles when the new school year begins. I can feel his anxiety.
I read a blog post today written by an adoptive mom. She talked about her kids' attachment issues and how they can translate into problem at school. She shared how she often "briefs" her kids' teachers in the beginning of the year so that they can be aware of her sons' special needs. (You can read the post here: http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2015/09/how-to-talk-to-teachers-about-adoption.html) One of the commenters on this post mentioned an article related to classroom instruction for traumatized kids. In particular, how traumatized kids respond to traditional discipline (to correct behavior), and what they need instead: relationship. The author wrote,
"When the teacher says to a non-traumatized child, 'Andy, can you please settle down and quietly
have a seat?' Andy has the internal regulatory ability to respond appropriately to his teacher
because trauma has not interrupted his developmental maturation of developing self-regulation
tools and feeling like he is safe in the world. However, when Billy (the traumatized child) is asked the same question, his response is much different. He takes the long way around the
classroom to his seat, he continues to not only talk but projects his voice across the room as if he
is still out in the playground, and once seated continues to squirm and wiggle. (Yes, I have actually witnessed this behavior. It has also been reported to me by my sons' teachers.)
Traditionally, we have interpreted Billy as a disruptive child, pasted the label ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) onto him, and reprimanded him for his “naughty” behavior. What we have failed to see is that Billy cannot settle down on his own. His internal system has not experienced the appropriate patterning to know how to be well behaved like his classmate Andy and Billy does not know he is safe in this world, even if he is now in a safe environment." (We are learning a lot about this from our son's therapist.)
The author goes on to state, "The most effective way to change these patterns comes through safe, nurturing, attuned, and strong human connection. For the student in the classroom, it comes through the teacher-student relationship. The reality is, for our traumatized children to learn and achieve academically, science is showing that they must be engaged at the relational level prior to any academic learning." (I have found this to be 100% true for our oldest child. He simply will not be able to learn effectively, and manage his behavior without feeling like he can trust his teacher and believe that he/she truly cares for him.)
All this to say, I am struggling with the same thing the original blogger wrote about. Should I share some of his background with his new teacher in advance (at the risk of causing him or her to "notice" things they might not have), or do I wait until a situation occurs (because it will) to have this conversation? (I don't carry the same fears for my middle son because he will be getting his older brother's teacher from last year whom we adore and who "gets it" when it comes to our boys.)
I'm torn between wanting to see how my kid will do on his own in the new environment, a little older, a little more secure in himself, a little more trusting in the good intentions of people, and wanting to protect him from unfair judgments and labels. I'm caught between wanting to acknowledge his growth and success in controlling his body and making good choices, and still admit that he struggles with making friends, fitting in, respecting others and following directions.
Sometimes it's hard to separate normal kid behavior from trauma-related responses. I would imagine it's even harder for adults (like their teachers) who don't know them or where they're coming from.
Which brings me back to my original dilemma. Should I share some things in advance with his teacher or not? (Teacher friends, your input here would be extremely appreciated!)
I know that no matter what, for the first year since we've had them, the kids are both genuinely happy to be going back to school. They're starting to love all the things about it that I did when I was their age. We've got all our supplies organized, backpacks stuffed, uniforms washed and folded...All we need now are a good night's sleep and prayers.
I know they will learn. I know they will grow. I know they will make mistakes and get back up and try again. I know that everyday is a new day and they know that, too. I know that my mama fears are echoed throughout the world and that we all just want the very best for our kiddos. I know that when Tuesday morning rolls around, and I become the parent of a 2nd grader, 1st grader, and almost 6 month old I will be the luckiest mama in the world and that everything will be just fine.
I also know I will probably have to mop my floor because, inevitably, someone would've spilled their drink at breakfast.
C'est la vie.
